My
psychological, zen sister, the title I have been referring to her as of late,
told me I need to process. In the wake of the traumatic events that happened in
November, I have been sort of lost as to what processing is. I even asked her
« what does processing look like ? » Her response – « talk
about it. » Talking is very hard ! I am a strong mental processor,
not verbal. I analyze everything and come up with answers, conclusions, and
solutions in my head – right or wrong. Talking leaves someone vulnerable to
criticism and judgement. I have lived through other experiences in my life
where I didn’t deal with my emotional and psychological pain and thus this time
want to be cured.
Over the
past weeks, I have found that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a
powerful thing. I think one of the attributes that makes it so hard to deal
with is the fact that you can’t control it. PTSD manifests in the most random
ways, times, places, and many different, unexpected things can trigger its
onset.
The
symptoms I have experienced most are nightmare's, flashbacks, anxiety, and
jumping at sharp noises. Nightmare's are brutal as then it creates a fear to
even try to sleep. Flashbacks you can’t stop from coming or going. Anxiety is
exhausting. These first three can be experienced in your head but jumping at
random sounds is an outward sign of what you are dealing with inside thus
demonstrating to those around you, you are not ok.
As each day
passes, the PTSD does as well. I no longer experience anxiety attacks. The
flashbacks aren’t as vivid and long lasting as before. I still have
nightmare’s, which have been the most painful to deal with but they are
reducing in frequency. I sometimes jump at random noises but my pulse isn’t out
of control like before. I am learning to be patient with myself. I have a new-found desire and appreciation for mental health. In the wake of PTSD and a
traumatic incident, I am left with many questions and find myself fighting for
answers.
In the
moments and midst of the events in November, I had to ask myself : what is
important to me ? I had always said that I would be willing to risk my
life to work in Africa because I am convicted this is where I am supposed to
be. If I ever died working in Africa, it would be ok because it would be where
and doing what I love. But – that was before the test. I had to re-evaluate and
probably still am, my bold statement. In order to move forward, I have had to
accept that risk.
The second
thought is the act of actually dying. After three days of gunfire, stress, and
uncertainty the idea of dying was a welcome relief. In the moment, I wasn’t
surprised at this thought as it was natural. I think it has only been afterwards
that I reflected on the meaning of that emotion. Of course I don’t want to die
and I don’t entertain morbid thoughts, however, in the moment dying seemed very
peaceful. I have asked myself, am I ok to die ? Have I achieved what I
wanted to ? Are my relationships what I want them to be ? Am I proud
of the person I am that I would die with dignity ? All of these questions
are very hard to grapple with and challenge every part of your life :
spiritual, mental, physical, relational, and psychological.
My final
question is what I want my future to look like. I say « is » because
I haven’t found the answer to that one yet. It is continuous. It seems as
though my life has been lived in foreseen, planned blocks of time with
anticipated end dates : four years of college, 1.5 years of graduate
school, seven months in Madagascar, and now a signed, two year contract in
Congo – which would naturally be reaching it’s end in 2013 if going according
to plan. In some ways living life like this is very comfortable. You can’t
predict the future but you can anticipate what is coming next. I have come to
the conclusion though, I don’t want this for my future. I am held captive to
predetermined time and space. I am tired of expiration dates. I want some more
question marks in my life.
The new
year is always filled with fresh desires, new found aspirations and dreams,
resolutions, and changes to be made. I wouldn’t say the clock turning to
January 1, 2013 in and of itself is what has provoked me to make 2013 different
but rather my recent life experiences. I have been taught that life is
unexpected despite the boxes I tend to live in. I realized there are pleasant
surprises waiting to be discovered. I have seen the good, bad, and ugly of
humanity in many different ways but somehow have to find a way to keep on
loving and living .
