The Treadmill

Discontentment has been infection for as long as I can remember. When I was in high school, I remember thinking that I will be happy once I get to college. When I was in college, I remember thinking I will be happy when I graduate, make money and no longer have to study on the weekends. Once I graduated, I remember thinking that everything will be perfect when I pay off my student loan debt. Last year, life was going to be perfect once we had our wedding, Gabs got his residency, a job and then a shorter commute. Now that high school is over and college is over, I have a graduate degree and five years of post-graduate employment behind me, married, have a dog, Gabs is employed, I have a 10min commute and I am still looking for the greener grass. Now it looks like a house, a reliable car, still paying off that student loan debt and those precious few weeks of yearly vacation time.

I arrived in Liberia, West Africa last night. I was welcomed with the ever present haggling, everyone fighting to make a dollar. Rain on the tin roof, humidity, the smell of dried fish and sweat also greeted me. Last weekend while camping with some friends, one of them referenced our previous life living in the Congo as “feeling so alive.” We both reflected on that statement for a moment and responded that we did feel alive at times, and others, it was just normal life. The potholes, failed internet, rice and beans, cheap vacations, people carrying machetes, bright colors and crowded markets all become part of the routine after a while just like U.S. highways, the grocery store and every Sunday monopolized by football season.

Three weeks ago Gabs and I were strongly considering buying a house. We spent our spare time on Zillow and realtor.com. Gabs is a dreamer and I am a realist. When the dream can become possible, it’s full steam ahead. We almost burnt ourselves out so fixated on this idea. We had some money burning a hole in our pocket, high rent prices in our area and a desire for a backyard and semi-permanent address were all too overwhelming. Once we finally woke up to the reality that we may not want to live in suburban D.C., as that is the only place we can afford, and that right now we are probably the least committed to anything that we will be in our married life until we retire, why rush? So we put a lid on it and focused our energy on finding a reliable car, something that we could use and enjoy with a lot less commitment right now.

This grass is greener thing is a hoax. Do I really believe that owning a house, no student loan debt and whatever else I can come up with will make me happier? Sometimes I do, and unfortunately sometimes it blurs my vision. In an effort to come to terms with this internal struggle, I googled a few Buddhist ideals on contentment; there are a few teachings in Buddhism that I really appreciate and challenge me.

This is what I found:

“Our own obsession with economic growth seems natural to us because we have forgotten the historicity of the “needs” we now take for granted. That includes a monetary income in Western societies now thoroughly monetarized and commodified, where almost anything can be converted into anything else through a common medium of exchange. Since our needs (or rather our wants) are now taken for granted as defining our common humanity as much as universal human rights do, we are encouraged to forget what for Buddhism is an essential human attribute if we are to be happy: the need for self-limitation.

Any formulation of “needs” is as much a value judgement as a determination of fact. According to Buddhism, the fundamental human problem is not the technological and economic issue of meeting all our material wants — something psychologically as well as ecologically impossible — but the psychological and spiritual task of understanding the nature of our own minds. Without having been seduced by the utopian dream of a technological cornucopia, it would never occur to most “poor” people to become fixated on fantasies about all the things they might have. For them, their ends are an expression of the means available to them. We are often imposing our own value judgements when we insist on seeing them as poor. It is presumptuous to assume that they must be unhappy, and that the only way to become happy is to start on the treadmill of a lifestyle dependent on the market and increasingly preoccupied with consumption.” [1]

My boss and I had a conversation with one of our Liberian staff about this very topic a month ago. He made a comment that we in the U.S. have so much more. I agreed with him to a point – we have so much more wealth and opportunity available to us but compared to the African culture I have witnessed, they have so much more community and deep seeded connected-ness that what we have in the U.S., which I personally find more valuable. Even after having these conversations and appreciating another way of life, I always find myself back on that treadmill.

Another blog I found gave five simple actions for peace and contentment:

1.       Show humility

2.       Recognize enough: I have finally accepted my true life is happening right now. I celebrate the accomplishments and good things as they happen and avoid looking ahead too far for more of the same.

3.       Simplify life: Give up what you don’t need and be glad you did. (Gabs usually tries to apply this to my closet.)

4.       Have real fun: Regret can be a mood killer. We often take the serious and over-analyzed road when making decisions. It’s good to be responsible; it’s also good to take a chance even if it entails a big mistake. (I regret not making the water park happen this summer.)

5.       Make room for quiet:  You can best recognize that gut feeling that can act as a reliable compass once you turn off all the noisy, messy distracting sounds of life.[2]

September 12, 2015 is another day in my life. Regardless of which green or less green hill I am on, this day is going to pass me by. Am I going to be content in what I have? Am I going to have that sense of alive-ness whether I am roaming the streets of Monrovia, Liberia or walking the dog? It’s a choice that only I can make. Presently, Gabs and I have enough: jobs, a place to live, good health, safety and each other. That is contentment.

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[1] https://www.upaya.org/2011/10/the-greatest-wealth-is-contentment-a-buddhist-perspective-on-poverty/

[2] http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-simple-actions-for-pure-peace-and-contentment/

Would we do the same?

"...change the debate from one about fear to one about human beings helping human beings."

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-34130639

Banana Bread

I have forgotten how to be a neighbor. I remember as a child that my mother was always a shining example of neighborly behavior. She hosted block Christmas parties, took us around regularly to say 'hello' to our elderly neighbors who gave us candy and my parents just knew the names, faces and families on our block. Even though it was a poorer neighborhood with drug dealers and gang members, I never felt unsafe as a child. Perhaps it was that childhood innocence but I think it was also the fact that there is security in knowing who lives around you.

Laying more on the introverted side of the spectrum, I tend not to make the first move socially. I think even more than that is my fear that people are busy and don't want to be bothered. They are looking at their phone, rushing to their car, walking a dog or toting a child. We, myself included, have placed ourselves in a bubble that reads the same as an 'unwelcome' sign outside our door.

Being married to an extrovert and someone who isn't afraid of people, I have been challenged by my spouse to be different in my recent neighborly behavior. I lament about my desire to know and be close to those around me, but the social barriers that we put up plus my hesitancy to be a bother clashes. Plus, I feel like I am the newbie in town, people should reach out to me and not the other way around.

So with my husbands encouragement and my baking skills we set off to conquer the beast within me. Sunday night I stayed up late sweating in our tiny kitchen making banana bread. The goal was to give banana bread to our neighbors the following morning. Husband and I struck a compromise. He wanted to knock on the door and hand deliver the banana bread provoking a conversation. I wanted to leave it anonymously outside their door. We left it outside their door with a sticky note disclosing our identify.

In the wake of this banana bread, the response has been shocking. I expected a simple 'thank-you' from the recipients but we have gotten so much more than that. One neighbor has now organized drinks after work one evening inviting the rest of the neighbors in our building. Another personally came to our door giving us new neighborly tips in regards to parking. And lastly, I had a conversation more than just 'hello' with a guy living across from us.

It is very encouraging to see such a positive response. My ultimate desire would be to rent a bouncy castle, shut down the street and host a block party. I am not sure I am ready to do that just yet, maybe after I bake some chocolate chip cookies, hand out a Christmas basket and a potted plant. Due to the response, I think all of us are looking for the same thing - friendship and relationship. We all experience loneliness and desire a sense of belonging.

Facebook breakup!

I am shutting down my Facebook. It's decided. After hemming and hawing about it for several months, I am going to follow through on this.

There are several reasons why I am closing my account.

1.) I am a person who highly values meaningful, organic, quality relationships. My needs as an individual in the realm of people isn't satisfied but rather aggravated by Facebook. I desire to be in that photo with a friend, drinking a cup of coffee at that coffee shop tagged in your status update or sharing that laugh instead of 'lol-ing' online.

So how am I going to accomplish this in a cyber age, long-distance relationship friendship world I live in?

I want to become more intentional about my interactions with people. So instead of sending a Facebook message on your birthday, I want to go to the store, buy a card and send it to you. I also want to fill my time with other things than screens, so I am going to try to know and love my neighbors more, do meaningful things for the people around me and play with my dog if there is absolutely nothing else to do -- which I am sure she'll appreciate.

2.) I want to be more creative than status updates and uploading photos. As a kid, I always enjoyed going through the family albums. There is nothing like a photograph to bring back memories and nostalgia. My first personal goal is to start these for my family. Take those online photos and put them in an album that I and my family can enjoy.

In an effort to be creative in my writing as well as not completely sever my long-distance friendships, I will post weekly on my blog site. So instead of keeping me on your Facebook friends list, you can favorite my blog site and intentionally check me out. This is a commitment on both of our parts. I want to keep you informed and involved in my life wherever you are by writing posts or uploading a photo and you can express intentionality by visiting my blog -- which is a bit harder than checking me out with your other 200+ Facebook friends over your morning coffee.

Hopefully this new 'relationship' will be more meaningful for both of us.

3.) I want to simplify.

4.) I don't want to learn about your life electronically. Don't be afraid - come visit, let's set up a Skype chat or phone call or send me a text message.

So stay tuned! First blog post coming Sunday, August 30th!