Best Craigslist Purchase!

There she was $200 on Craigslist. I remember the first time I met her. Her name was Harley. She was twenty-five pounds of insecurity, fear and energy. Harley barked and growled at me. Despite her tough girl exterior, I could see the potential in her, a challenge to be conquered by both of us. She got into my rental front seat and refused to stay there. We fought for an hour and a half back home to stay out of my lap. I finally won by physically tying her leash to the seat belt. Our first outing together half way home didn’t go well either. We bought some food and toys and she pooped in the store, all the while second guessing my decision.

We made it home safely and in one piece, barely. That first night she sat in the kitchen speculatively, not moving and barking at every sound. Her little ears always on the alert. She was scared of the elevator, scared of the doggie green area, scared of the traffic. What a long way we had to go!

Harley met Gabs two days later. Just as we got acquainted, there was another person thrown into the mix. She growled at him and hid from him for the first 24hours. They had to settle their differences quickly as I was off to work the next day. I was quickly unseated as Harley’s favorite person and Gabs took the lime light. Pretty soon they became inseparable and Harley became Haylee.

In the first four months with Haylee, she ate chocolate sending her into the emergency room; ate a green card; and also got herself expelled from the Suarez household on more than one occasion. She ate numerous pot holders, spatulas, cutting boards, slippers and toilet paper. We learned to adapt our life and make space for this little, demanding critter. It was a painful process for all of us.

Over time Haylee became more confident. She no longer shredded the back of my legs with her nails due to her fear and need to escape. Haylee learned how to be a master Frisbee catcher, swimmer, rock climber and cuddle buddy. She annoyingly followed you like a shadow, close was never close enough.

Everyone fell in love with Haylee, the quirky unknown breed with a permanent puppy face and soft fur.

Last Labor Day weekend we went camping with Haylee to Janes Island State Park. Haylee spent her days swimming in the salt marshes, chasing her Frisbee into the Chesapeake Bay and eating left over bbq-ed ribs. She learned how to break into the tent to recover from her adventures. Haylee slept the 6 hour drive home in 90degree weather with no air conditioning stuck on the Bay Bridge.

Haylee got to spend two vacations at Grandma and Grandpa’s 22 acre property. Despite eating the Bible, she was allowed special privileges on the sofa and even got to go to church. She loved her freedom.

A few days ago, Haylee exercised her freedom one last time. Her obsession to follow scents got the better of her. Our worst nightmare came true. Haylee was hit by a car and couldn’t sustain the injuries. We experienced 20 hours of pet owner hell.

The grieving process has been just that, a process. I keep thinking, a week ago we did this, or we did that. The ‘what if’s’ make you go crazy. The flashes of guilt can be overwhelming. The feeling that I made catastrophic pet owner mistakes and she suffered as a result is haunting. Everything could have been preventable ‘if only’… The ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ didn’t happen. Reality doesn’t allow for those.

On Haylee’s last day, we enjoyed a warm cup of lemon water on the sofa while watching the morning news together. We then enjoyed a 20min play in the park before work. Her friends Hershey and Nate played with her at lunch time and gave her a treat. Right before all of our worlds shattered, she was doing what she loved – playing Frisbee. I filled her water bowl waiting for her to come inside, but she never did.

The world spins on and every hour and day that passes is bittersweet: the pain lessens a bit but at the same time it feels as though her presence is more of a memory instead of reality. The silence in the house is piercing. The lack of routine is uncomfortable. And the hardest thing is accepting that our story together ended too soon. There were things we wanted to do together. We were supposed to go for a doggie bath this weekend and enjoy working from home together on President’s Day, a hike in the arctic blast, spring camping on the C&O canal, swimming this summer and the list goes on. This is the time where life just isn’t fair.

Haylee taught me patience, unconditional love and a renewed desire to be out in nature. Every flower is meant to be smelled, every stream is to be splashed in and the ordinary bird, squirrel or deer deserves a second glance. We shared a common love for peanut butter, soft blankets, early morning walks and a mutual best friend (Gabs). All of those things aren’t the same without Haylee but they are all the more special because of her.