The Year of Grey Hair

In 2014, I started a new job, moved to new city, got married (and all that entailed marrying a foreign national) and then quit that new job. It was a year full of transition. We experienced a lot of answered prayers, waiting, blessings and growing pains. We had no idea how all of that was going to work out. Exactly one year ago, I was spending my day’s fervently job searching, knowing that was the key for everything else to fall into place for us.

Through all of this change and transition, I learned a lot about myself and how I handle personal stress. I am fairly certain that 2014 was the year that brought on my new grey hair, which is a daily reminder when I look in the mirror to de-stress. The cap-stone lesson of 2014 was quitting my job.

I quit the Dragon Boat team a few months ago, which was highly dysfunctional and full of way-to-intense competitors for a charity event. Aside from that, I have never quit anything that I can remember. I never quit a class in college or my high school basketball team. I have definitely never quit a job, until yesterday.

I realized how much I internalize stress even though I don’t want to. I became more aware of my inability to be confrontational when I am vulnerable. I learned how an overhanging issue affected my mood for days on end even though I wasn't directly addressing it or dealing with it in the moment.

I almost held myself back from a great new opportunity because of my guilt. Whether warranted or not, I never knew before how guilt can completely incapacitate a person. I thought that I knew that quitting my job would let me boss down, it would let my team down and even myself. 

I put benchmarks in my mind of what was acceptable work etiquette: being in a position for a least a year, seeing through the busiest time of the finance season, and staying long enough to prove to my boss’s boss that I wasn't a bad hire.Ultimately, I feared that quitting my job would make me look bad. It finally came to an impasse where I had to choose what I thought made me look bad and end my position or sacrifice a great career opportunity.

A few days ago, I was sitting around chatting with some wise women and my husband. They all emphatically reinforced my ability to take this next step. I was reminded that this isn't quitting, it is seeking opportunities. In the words of a sage, no one cares more about my life than I do so it is up to me to do something about it or make it what I want it to be. I am the most interested and vested in me.

So I did it. I quit.

Leading up to the actual conversation, I was sweating and unable to move. My stomach was in knots and my heart was racing. I couldn't focus. I had to tell my boss but I couldn't. I was then frustrated with myself that I was dragging this out unnecessarily. I thought to myself, ‘if only I had done this an hour ago, I would have this done and over with but I am still sitting here,’ only launching myself into another spiral of guilt and self-annoyance.

Thankfully a natural conversation opened the door to spill my news. It went better than I imagined in my mind. I was reminded that I am replaceable, no matter how important I think I am. I realized how life moves on around us whether we do or not, so I should too.

Having that 15 minute conversation over with, I can now breathe again. We can begin to look to the future and imagine a day not filled with excel spreadsheets or silent weeks living my life out in a cubicle. As I face my last few days in what was 2014’s greatest blessing, I realize that it was meant only for a season. Less than a year in, it is already time to move on. Life is changing around me and I want to keep up with it. I don’t want to remain stagnant wishing for things to be different.

So 2015 is here. My wish is that life will be a little less stressful so my hair will stop turning grey. I also wish for you that your 2015 will be like my 2014: full of unexpected blessings, answered prayers, fruitful seeking, growing pains and the start of amazing new relationships.

Cheers!