Not Over Yet

I have been out of Congo for two weeks now. I suppose that I had ideas in mind of what this post-Congo experience was going to be like and continued PTSD was not one of them. While I was in Bunia these recent months, I was fine. I would say since May, I had maybe two PTSD induced dreams. I assumed leaving would be the cure all. I thought living outside of my one road, one restaurant bubble would be my therapy. I was wrong.

In the last two weeks, I have experienced more symptoms of PTSD since immediately following the events almost one year ago in November. I have developed a strong fear of crowds, crowded places, or large venues in general. Today while wondering the streets of Paris and one of the most beautiful gardens I have ever seen, I subconsciously planned my escape route in the necessary event destroying my ability to enjoy the moment.

Previously every loud, sharp noise sounded like a gun shot - that all subsided but now it is back. When I disembarked the train in Paris, I heard a loud bang. I jumped and went through the motions of protecting my head. Everyone else around me continued walking as normal giving me the que that I was the only one worried about the unknown noise.

I can say that I am quite exhausted ! It takes a lot of brain energy to always be on hiper alert mode. It can also be discouraging seeing myself still struggling with this when I thought ‘getting out`  was going to be the end of it all. My environment is so unpredictable. Back in Bunia I expected riots, gunshots at midnight, the sight of AK-47’s everywhere - it was all so normal. Now I don’t see any of that anywhere but I am still expecting it. I feel quite vulnerable. I don’t have any thing or any one around me which previously before kept me safe. I feel like people can read my mind and with that use it against me.

I have forced myself to live life as normal. I have gotten on planes, trains, buses, into shopping malls, and walked for miles in open places. It has been a huge challenge. I am so absorbed with knowing everything that goes on around me I have lost my sense of direction or whereabouts which is then another frustration.

I am not sure what else to do aside from keep trying. I have a constant battle being played out in my mind : mentally freak out and then mentally calm myself down again. It's a constant roller-coaster. Living an isolated life isn’t an option for me but suffering mentally isn’t a desireable one either.