I have been
out of Congo for two weeks now. I suppose that I had ideas in mind of
what this post-Congo experience was going to be like and continued PTSD was not
one of them. While I was in Bunia these recent months, I was fine. I would say
since May, I had maybe two PTSD induced dreams. I assumed leaving would
be the cure all. I thought living outside of my one road, one restaurant bubble
would be my therapy. I was wrong.
In the last
two weeks, I have experienced more symptoms of PTSD since immediately following
the events almost one year ago in November. I have developed a strong fear of
crowds, crowded places, or large venues in general. Today while wondering the
streets of Paris and one of the most beautiful gardens I have ever seen, I
subconsciously planned my escape route in the necessary event destroying my
ability to enjoy the moment.
Previously
every loud, sharp noise sounded like a gun shot - that all subsided but now it
is back. When I disembarked the train in Paris, I heard a loud bang. I jumped and went
through the motions of protecting my head. Everyone else around me continued
walking as normal giving me the que that I was the only one worried about the
unknown noise.
I can say
that I am quite exhausted ! It takes a lot of brain energy to always be on
hiper alert mode. It can also be discouraging seeing myself still struggling
with this when I thought ‘getting out` was going to be the end of it all. My environment is so unpredictable. Back in Bunia I expected riots,
gunshots at midnight, the sight of AK-47’s everywhere - it was all so normal. Now I don’t
see any of that anywhere but I am still expecting it. I feel quite vulnerable.
I don’t have any thing or any one around me which previously before kept me
safe. I feel like people can read my mind and with that use it against me.
I have forced myself to live life as normal. I have gotten
on planes, trains, buses, into shopping malls, and walked for miles in open
places. It has been a huge challenge. I am so absorbed with knowing everything
that goes on around me I have lost my sense of direction or whereabouts which
is then another frustration.
I am not
sure what else to do aside from keep trying. I have a constant battle being
played out in my mind : mentally freak out and then mentally calm myself
down again. It's a constant roller-coaster. Living an isolated life isn’t an option for me but suffering
mentally isn’t a desireable one either.
