Processing...

My psychological, zen sister, the title I have been referring to her as of late, told me I need to process. In the wake of the traumatic events that happened in November, I have been sort of lost as to what processing is. I even asked her « what does processing look like ? » Her response – « talk about it. » Talking is very hard ! I am a strong mental processor, not verbal. I analyze everything and come up with answers, conclusions, and solutions in my head – right or wrong. Talking leaves someone vulnerable to criticism and judgement. I have lived through other experiences in my life where I didn’t deal with my emotional and psychological pain and thus this time want to be cured.

Over the past weeks, I have found that post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a powerful thing. I think one of the attributes that makes it so hard to deal with is the fact that you can’t control it. PTSD manifests in the most random ways, times, places, and many different, unexpected things can trigger its onset.

The symptoms I have experienced most are nightmare's, flashbacks, anxiety, and jumping at sharp noises. Nightmare's are brutal as then it creates a fear to even try to sleep. Flashbacks you can’t stop from coming or going. Anxiety is exhausting. These first three can be experienced in your head but jumping at random sounds is an outward sign of what you are dealing with inside thus demonstrating to those around you, you are not ok.

As each day passes, the PTSD does as well. I no longer experience anxiety attacks. The flashbacks aren’t as vivid and long lasting as before. I still have nightmare’s, which have been the most painful to deal with but they are reducing in frequency. I sometimes jump at random noises but my pulse isn’t out of control like before. I am learning to be patient with myself. I have a new-found desire and appreciation for mental health. In the wake of PTSD and a traumatic incident, I am left with many questions and find myself fighting for answers.

In the moments and midst of the events in November, I had to ask myself : what is important to me ? I had always said that I would be willing to risk my life to work in Africa because I am convicted this is where I am supposed to be. If I ever died working in Africa, it would be ok because it would be where and doing what I love. But – that was before the test. I had to re-evaluate and probably still am, my bold statement. In order to move forward, I have had to accept that risk. 

The second thought is the act of actually dying. After three days of gunfire, stress, and uncertainty the idea of dying was a welcome relief. In the moment, I wasn’t surprised at this thought as it was natural. I think it has only been afterwards that I reflected on the meaning of that emotion. Of course I don’t want to die and I don’t entertain morbid thoughts, however, in the moment dying seemed very peaceful. I have asked myself, am I ok to die ? Have I achieved what I wanted to ? Are my relationships what I want them to be ? Am I proud of the person I am that I would die with dignity ? All of these questions are very hard to grapple with and challenge every part of your life : spiritual, mental, physical, relational, and psychological.

My final question is what I want my future to look like. I say « is » because I haven’t found the answer to that one yet. It is continuous. It seems as though my life has been lived in foreseen, planned blocks of time with anticipated end dates : four years of college, 1.5 years of graduate school, seven months in Madagascar, and now a signed, two year contract in Congo – which would naturally be reaching it’s end in 2013 if going according to plan. In some ways living life like this is very comfortable. You can’t predict the future but you can anticipate what is coming next. I have come to the conclusion though, I don’t want this for my future. I am held captive to predetermined time and space. I am tired of expiration dates. I want some more question marks in my life.

The new year is always filled with fresh desires, new found aspirations and dreams, resolutions, and changes to be made. I wouldn’t say the clock turning to January 1, 2013 in and of itself is what has provoked me to make 2013 different but rather my recent life experiences. I have been taught that life is unexpected despite the boxes I tend to live in. I realized there are pleasant surprises waiting to be discovered. I have seen the good, bad, and ugly of humanity in many different ways but somehow have to find a way to keep on loving and living .